Being Self-Aware

Many of you are following my very human journey through the grieving of Ryan, the preparation of the trial, and so on.  There are a lot of emotions that come along with this roller coaster of a journey and with that is the growing need to be more and more aware of my own space and my own needs.

We all know that grieving is different for everyone.  We all know that grieving has no timeline.  I don't think I will ever stop grieving the loss of Ry.  It will change.  My emotions will adjust accordingly.  This I understand.

I was having lunch with a very good friend of mine who is an elder.  Ryan grew up around her, and she knew him fairly well, more in his younger years, but enough as he grew up for her to see what kind of individual he was turning out to be and well enough to feel his loss deeply.

Somehow, we ended up in a conversation about being "happy," and I stated that I didn't think that I would ever be "happy" again.  That may be the very first time that I ever said that out loud. And she looked a little taken aback and doubtful of what I'd just said.  But I stood my ground on this and here are my thoughts on my own comment.

It's not that I can't enjoy life.  I certainly have had plenty of moments where I have lived, loved, and laughed since Ry has crossed over.  I am not wallowing in my grieving, and I haven't since day one.  I have done my deepest grieving in private.  Without anyone around.  Not because I felt I had to, but because that feels like the right thing for me.  I am the giver, not the receiver, and I find it very hard to allow others to give to me in any format.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Defensive, even at times.  So for me, it is best to grieve the way I need to grieve.  

And I live, love, and laugh easily enough, honestly.  But there is not a moment that I don't associate things with Ry past, present, or future.  I can be driving down the road and see a soccer field and feel tears well up as I remember the countless (and I truly mean countless lol) times I've stood on soccer and lacrosse fields in the sunshine, the rain, the snow, and watched Ry practice or play.  I can be listening to a friend describe their children's successes and accomplishments and instantly my mind goes to what Ry could have done if he were still here!  And sometimes I'm just sitting and thinking about all the things Ry won't get to experience as he would have grown older.  And that is a somber state of being.  It is heavy.  All of those thoughts take away the idea of happiness because in my mind (and I only speak for myself), happiness was always my children.  Their accomplishments.  And I still celebrate Alanna and all the beautiful things she brings to the table but I cannot pretend that I am happy.  I am happy for Boo (Alanna) but that is ultimately different than feeling happiness for myself.

Happiness, at least at this time in my life, is not something that I focus on.  I am not opposed to it, lol!  I believe it will show up unexpectedly, not forced, and just become a part of my life again when it is meant to. And it is what it is.

My heart does fill with warmth at my friend's expression when I said I didn't feel happiness anymore.  I recognize it as one of her not wanting me to hurt.  Her, wanting to tell me that it doesn't have to be this way.  But instead, in all her wisdom, she simply smiled at me and said, "We all grieve differently."

No lie detected.

In love and light,  Tara