Christmas is by far my favorite holiday of the year.

This is the time of year when I am usually in full swing with the holiday spirit! 

 

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday of the year.  I love the whole ambiance of the festive lights, the gift giving and receiving, the food, the gatherings!  This is where I usually find myself plotting and planning the presents that I give, the parties that I throw!

 

But this year is so very different. 

 

There is no excitement. 

 

And the only planning I am currently doing is just how I, Mike, Alanna and those closest to Ryan will get through the holidays.  There is a heavy lump in the pit of my stomach as I think about what Christmas Eve and Morning will look like. How do I get up and walk the dogs and not look forward to the stockings being opened when eventually Ryan, Alanna and Noella would get up? 

 

There won't be any stockings this year.  I simply can't.  I will have things for Alanna and Noella but it can't be the traditional stockings this year.  Maybe next.  But not this year.

 

I have this deep rage everytime I drive by one of the suspects houses and see all their Christmas lights, blow up Santas and I think to myself, how unfair it is.  Why does his family get to celebrate like nothing happened?  Like their son didn't do something so vile.  I would really like to pop their Santa!  But alas, maybe they really don't know what is happening and then I feel sadness for what they will ultimately have to deal with.  It won't be the same but it will be devastating as well. 

 

I have to be okay with the emotional roller coaster right now.  There is no handbook on how to work through the first holidays.  We made it through Ryan's first birthday not with us.  He would have been 20.  I was away and preoccupied and that was a blessing.  But Christmas will hit different.   It will hit hard.  I already know this.

 

I know that there are so many that have lost loved ones that are going to be doing the same thing.  Some, it has been many years and for others like myself and my family it will be the first year.  The idea that we have to keep moving on is not actually hard for me.  I have so much to be thankful for, including the 19 years we all had with Ryan.  This year instead of gifts to Ry, I will be helping HugABull again.  I will be supporting Noella and another family for Christmas.  I will be putting together my Girlfriends Christmas Party with as much love and light as I always have - because Ry was not the kind of person that would want us to stop living our lives here.  I know he is watching and sending us all the love he always did.  He was a loving kid.  A little spicy sometimes, but he loved us all with his whole heart.  

 

This time of the year can be uncomfortable, lonely, sad, and anxious for individuals. Their reasons will vary.  It will be hard for my family and Ryan's close friends.  We can't pretend it won't be and I don't want to either.  But I do want to acknowledge on a whole new level what I now feel deeply that others go through emotionally, mentally and physically this time of the year.

 

I will always be aware of other emotions and mental health this time of the year.  My Spirit Team doesn't let me down and this year for Christmas I am going to bring joy to as many people (and dogs lol) as I can in Ryan's honour.  He brought joy to so many with his kindness and his giving nature.  

 

So I leave you with this. 

 

We cannot always be in the know of what is going on with others.  But what we can do is send a tremendous amount of love and light out to the world with the intention of creating a beautiful harmonious collective.  One that is working on peace, love and joy for all.  Do something kind for someone, even if it's just a smile or a pat on the shoulder.  Make it a habit in the New Year.  

 

I love Ryan with all my heart and it is now my choice to spread that love I have for him to others.  He will always have my heart and soul.  But together, Ry and I will help others shine.

 

Merry Christmas my beautiful friends. 

 

Sending love and joy for the holiday's to you and your families.