Inner Reflection

January has been a month!  I don't know about you all but it was a month of reflection for me that I was not looking for but I've welcomed with open arms!  For me personally, Winter Solstice is a time for deeper reflection - of the past, the present, and the future.  It is a time when I TAKE the time to do some inner reflection.  I look at what the last year has brought me.  What am I taking into the new year?  And how do I plan to move forward? Moving into 2024 I did not do this.  I went into 2024 in a complete daze.  Unsure of anything at that time.  Not wanting to look at the past, barely being able to be in the present and the future didn't have much light.

 

2025 has been different for me.  In just one month I have had powerful revelations of who I am and how I am nurturing myself moving forward.  I wasn't even really looking to start the winter solstice hibernation process, actually if I am to be honest, I didn't start it.  It just sprung to my attention what I needed to focus on.  What I needed to leave behind from 2024. 

 

What I have discovered in January alone is that I have been depressed (and rightfully so I feel).  I have been drowning myself in work, which appeared easy because I love it, when in fact it was causing me intense stress and resentment.  I discovered that I have stopped taking care of myself in the most simple of ways - my personal health care, my mental health was no longer a priority because I was simply just trying to make it through the day.  You know, one day to the next still intact. 

 

And these realizations all came, and get ready for this revelation lmao, because I had a brand new bathroom and all the floors upstairs had been replaced.  Yup.  That is what happened.  I didn't go into any purposeful deep state of reflection on January 1.  I just woke up and walked into my boujee new bathroom, looked around, and said to myself.  I want to spend time here.  And so I restarted all my skincare routines (one's I have literally not done since the day Ryan passed over).  I got on Facebook messenger to my posse of badass ladies and said once a month we gather for shits and giggles!  They agreed!  I sat down with my team that helps me to run my business and we went over all the things that were causing me to feel so out of place in my work and we are striving to fix them.

 

I acknowledged that I have mixed emotions about the suspects in Ryan's death.  Deep hatred one day, sadness the next.  I also recognized that I cannot let other people's emotions over Ryan's death affect me. No matter how much I want to be there emotionally for others I know that if I can I will and if I can't that's just A. O. K.  Now I prepare myself for the trial date that will be set and I will get the help I need in advance for what I will learn when we go to trial.  So that I can be there for Mike, Alanna, and of course Noella.

 

Back in October, I believe Spirit gave me a gift in the name of Vinny lol.  A contractor who was willing to take on my old house and my cranky, confused, and flustered being.  Vinny and his team built us the most spa-like bathroom (in a very old house) and replaced my floors with seamless newness.  He built Noella a new bed.  He gave our home a makeover and as strange as it may sound, Vinny gave me a new perspective on life!  And I am grateful beyond words.

 

Now excuse me, I need to light my candle and whip out the face scrub!