You Don’t Have to Forgive to Heal

There’s this idea floating around in both the spiritual world and the self-development world that forgiveness is the ultimate goal.  I live in both of these worlds of course!  But I also am very much aware of my journey as a human!  So this idea that's floating around.....

It's like… if you haven’t forgiven, you haven’t healed.  Or you can't start healing.

And I’m going to say something that might make people a little uncomfortable:

That is 100% not true.

For some people, forgiveness is a beautiful part of their healing. It softens things. It gives them peace. It helps them move forward.

But for others?

Forgiveness feels forced.
It feels performative.
It feels like you’re being asked to make something okay… that simply isn’t okay.

And that’s where I stand.

I don’t need to forgive to move forward.

What I’ve done instead is accept what happened.

Not approve of it.
Not excuse it.
Not wrap it up in some pretty spiritual bow.

Just… accept it.

Acceptance, for me, looks like this:

It happened.
It changed me.
And I am still choosing to move forward anyway.

I am not defined by what happened to me.
I am not carrying it into every space as my identity (although I will be honest sometimes it feels like I am).
And I am not sitting around waiting for the day I feel “ready” to forgive.

Because here’s the truth no one says out loud.....

Sometimes forgiveness isn’t the thing that sets you free…
Sometimes detachment is.

Sometimes it’s deciding:
“I’m not giving this any more of my energy.”

I don’t begrudge anyone becoming a better person.
If growth happens for them, great.

But I’m not sitting in their corner, cheering them on.
And I’m not tying my healing to their transformation.

That’s where people get stuck. And I loathe being stuck (IYKYK)

They think healing means:
“I need to feel differently about what happened.”

No. You. Don’t.

Healing can look like:
“I feel exactly how I feel about it… and I’m still moving forward.”

There is power in that.

Real muthafluffin' power.

Because now your energy isn’t tied to the past!
It’s invested in your future.

And let’s be honest for a second…

Forcing forgiveness before you’re actually there?
That doesn’t heal anything.

It just buries it.

And buried things don’t disappear.
They wait.

So if forgiveness isn’t where you’re at… don’t fake it.

Don’t rush it.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing healing “wrong.”

You’re not.

You’re just doing it honestly.

And sometimes, honesty is the most powerful form of healing there is.

Other people's patterns don't have to be yours.   You do you baby and I'll do me and no shade either way.

Luvs ya, Tara