New Year - New Thoughts
I need this year to end. I really do. I am done with the thoughts that repeat over and over and although I know they won't go away and I am still processing, I really feel that if I look upon 2024 as NEW, I can cultivate new energy moving forward regarding not only Ryan and what has happened but in what I want to achieve moving into the new year.
One of the most bizarre things that I have noticed in regards to my mindset since Ryan's crossing, is that I don't have the same joy for things that I used to. Let me explain because it is a very strange feeling and somewhat complicated. For example, I have channeled a really amazing program through some courses I have taken and seminars. I absolutely love the potential and growth of what I have planned for 2024 and I am really excited to implement it! But, once the original excitement comes through and I get to the next thought process of - here is all that it can do for me and my family, I hit the wall. I go from excited to why bother? It's not like Ryan will share in it with us.......and that to me is so bizarre. Even thinking about wills etc. Same thought process - ugh! Don't get me wrong I have the lovely Alanna to look after and that's not even a consideration - it's not that I'm thinking that Alanna doesn't count. That isn't a thought that runs through my mind. It's solely about Ryan.
It is so weird to have these fleeting (thank you Goddess) moments where I'm like why bother? What's the point? It's not about why bother living. Let me make that very clear before I get a whole lot of emails! It's about why do the work, I think. I'm not 100% sure honestly.
Now let me tell you what I'm grateful for in regards to how my mindset in handling these moments. I am grateful that these are literally just brief moments and I just continue past them. I literally do not put any energy into answering them. I don't go on about how sad I am that Ryan won't be here to enjoy the fruits of my labour and I don't go into how Alanna is still here to enjoy those same fruits. I just simply let it go. I am grateful that these thoughts do not consume me, as I know they can for others going through the loss of someone they love so deeply. I am grateful that I can speak my truth (even if I still struggle with the whole - am I boring you yet syndrome - it is real - the thoughts that people must be getting tired of hearing you tell the same stories....even when they assure you it's not.)
So moving into 2024, it is not my goal to change anything that I am doing (other than getting my butt back to the gym). I am working hard on my business, I am making time for myself (did I just say I needed to go back to the gym....) and I am loving my family and friends the best way I can while still honouring my deep grief and sadness around Ry. Not going to lie, I miss him so much.
2023 will always be the hard part of the loss of Ryan and I need to leave that behind me. Yes. I do. You can fight me on that later. There are new things to focus on like the case and where it is headed (nothing new there but I trust in the New Year I will hear something). There are a lot more trying and upsetting times ahead, but I have faith, I have family and friends that stand by my family and right now that is enough. The only thing I need is to hear the real arrests have been made and that will come in due time.
For now, I will remember that things may not have the same meaning as they once did, but I truly believe that they will come back in a new way that I will embrace and will hold close.
I have no idea what the point of this is, my friends LOL. I hope it reminds you that things change and we need to adjust to the changes and make them work for us. It will be hard, time-consuming and that's okay. As long as we remember we can do it and we are worthy of moving on. Besides, Ryan would want us too.
Here's to a New Year of doing you in whatever way feels right.
Love, Tara
