Loyalty Out Values Everything

As time creeps closer to Ryan's 1 year of being taken away, I find that my heart hurts more often, and that my eyes fill with tears more easily.  I don't know how to be better or even do better.  I don't think it will literally matter one bit when they get arrested and I know that they will.  I feel that with my whole soul but I also feel that it will just give me a moment of ....... I don't know what.  Peace?  Clarity? Closure?  Nope.  I don't think it will give me anything like that.  In fact I feel that the anger and deceit that I really feel will be overwhelming.  But I will cope as I have.

 

I am going to get Ryan's LOVE (Loyalty Out Values Everything) tattoo put on my arm.  It is kinda ironic that people that he once thought were his friends, whom he did so much for, chose this path.  Whether or not this was the outcome they foresaw, it is the outcome that came to be.  I will flash that Tattoo every single time I see those dumbasses in court.  I will post it all over social media where I know they can see it.  I'm petty like that.  

 

In June I'm going to take some time for myself.  Step away from everyday life.  A bunch of us will be doing the 5KM Foam run in Ryan's World T-shirts.  Something to do together (not that Ryan would have ever done it - too much energy lol).  Work on the idea of supporting low-income families whose children want to play sports.  I've thought about a foundation in Ryan's name but the amount of work lol!  I'm not ready for that commitment.  I believe we can do it quietly, raising money and reaching out locally.  

 

People ask me if I am ok.  If Mike, Alanna, etc. are ok.  The answer is no.  But it's okay to not be okay.  I have things to focus on.  People who support me.  Ryan watching over me.  It's the best I can do.