We all do it differently.

It is without a shadow of a doubt that I have discovered just how powerful words can be.  How a simple word can bring tears.  A sentence can fill you with hope.  It's odd that as a Spiritual Being, as someone who teaches the importance of the words that we use, I cannot find words to explain the emotions that I am going through at this time.

There are no words that I can express to describe the relentless sense of loss that I feel.  As I type this out the tears are welling in my eyes and I'm sure they will flow by the time I'm done here. There is the forever lump that sits in the pit of my stomach and in my throat.  They disappear frequently and come back just as frequently.  I just allow them to do what they need to do.

There are moments that I want to scream and cry and rage and use words to express the true depth of my grief right now but when I try it, it feels less than.  It doesn't give me the release that I hope it will.  Instead, I feel exhausted from the moments.  Drained of all happiness.  Don't misunderstand me, I still laugh and I am still capable of feeling empathy but I believe it will take an extremely long time for me to find true joy in anything.

Working with Spirit is my natural state of being really and I've just come to fully understand that statement.  When I am working with Spirit I am able to stay in my power and work and feel and enlighten others.  It is what I do easily and effortlessly.  It is a beautiful place for me to try and fill my cup myself - I rely on others to fill my cup right now and I am not used to that.  It is awkward and it is strange to me.

I've also come to discover that we don't always know the right thing to say or the right thing to do and I believe it's because there isn't any right way in grief and sorrow.  We all do it differently.  Some of us pull it off so that we appear to be just moving along as though nothing has changed.

I'm not that person.  I am sad. I am angry.  I am resentful and bitter.  I am all the words that I always say to validate and release.  And I do my own work, but this level of pain is something I cannot explain.  If you know, you know.  If you don't, just know that it's okay to tell me I'm strong (even though it feels like a facade), it's okay to ask me how I am.  But you have to be able to hear the honest truth when I choose to speak it.  If I tell you I'm not okay, just hear me.  Witness me.  Sometimes words aren't even necessary to be said.  Sometimes you are communicating just by acknowledging that I am that I am in the moment.

There will be good days.  I know that the good days will start to outweigh the bad days.  Eventually.  I will do the work necessary to find pieces of myself that are missing right now.  It's what I know.  But right now, being human in all my feelings is where I need to be.

A huge shout out to all of you who have been holding not only my space, but my families, Noella, Ryan's friends, teammates, and Ryan himself with Cookie and Mochie on their new journeys. 

We are so grateful for our community and although we may not be able to communicate it right now, we feel the love.