Rekindle Friendships & Relationships
January was the month of reconnections for me. I absolutely loved it. There is something to be said for finding the strength in those who love you unconditionally. Mel, Lynne, Delynn, Jennie, Rayna, Cora, Leah, Paula x 2, and the list goes on. Our personal communities will pull us through anything if we are open to it. In a loving and kind manner.
December was the month of just trying to get through it with the people that held my heart and my hand. The four-hour visit with Ryan's Lax coach and his wife. The dinner with my grrrlllss that let me give with all my heart even if it was a little excessive - they do not judge lol. Getting together with some of Ryan's closest friends and just being able to sit with them and watch them interact. Christmas Eve with Lynne and John, Mel and Art, and the kids. Christmas Day with my family and Elias (who of course is family) We made it through December with all of their help and I am beyond grateful.
January came off with a different feel. I wanted to reach out to those who I hadn't connected to in some time. Maybe we just parted ways and were too busy growing and experiencing our lives to make a conscious effort (or maybe even realize it!!) to keep in touch, and stay in contact. It didn't matter, I just felt like now was the time to rekindle friendships/relationships. Not looking back at the past, just looking forward. Because we just don't know how much time we have honestly.
And this weekend I did exactly that! Had dinner with a friend that I made through Ryan's soccer years. She and her son were good friends of both Ry and I and they both were there for my family during the hard times (those haven't ended - we have a long way to go). And it was like we hadn't stopped connecting it. It was nice and comfortable and easy and I was so grateful for the opportunity to just sit and talk about everything. Also, she has me thinking I might try a spin class or two.....
On Sunday I met a very old friend. One that I had grown Spiritually with and it was like we had never been apart. I discovered how much things have changed in her world and I was excited to hear all the good stuff happening to her and around her!! There was no discussion of why we went our own ways because there didn't need to be. It felt right for both of us - that now it is time to rekindle the friendship without any expectations of anything other than good times to be had! We've both grown and I foresee a lot of the good deep conversations with her coming up and I am excited for them!
But this also reminded me of what Ryan's passing has done. It has brought a Lax mom that I knew a little into my world in such a big way I can honestly say "Hey Bestie"! It brought my own sister back into my world from hiding out in Covid and we are back into the whole sisterhood thang!! It made my beautiful and special Mel and I even closer than we possibly could be (and since people thought we were leaving our husbands for each other that's a thing!). It made me see how connected Lynne and I really are - like Spirit Twins lol.
I've also let go of those that don't feed my soul. I know I don't owe anyone anything. So I have just simply walked away from those not understanding me or my situation. Who have tried to flex in some manner during this time. Who have spoken untruths or taken my vulnerability as some sort of insult to their not getting what they need from me. They are all at a distance or completely removed and I feel hella lighter for it! I should have done it a long time ago, but my nature is to be of service and try to make everything fit for everyone. That's a sacrifice I'm not willing to do anymore. Sorry but Bye Felicia lol!
So many people that I have re-connected with or deepened the friendships and that is all on Ry. He brought this all together. And I think to myself, would this have all happened if Ry was still here? Maybe. Maybe not. But I feel like this is Ry's way of saying "Hey Mama, I'm still helping you out." And for that I am grateful.
Time isn't healing my wound. I don't think I will ever be "okay" but I am copying to the best of my ability and I have my new and old relationships to thank for that. And of course the truly best lacrosse player in the world (according to his mother and his mother only lol) Ryan.
Damn it my eyelashes are sticking together. I'm not crying, you are.
Love
Tara Diana
