The days are passing quickly

The days are passing quickly and I can't tell if that is a good thing or not.  I find that I am trying to get through all these so-called "firsts" with Ryan being gone.  Thanksgiving, his birthday, and Christmas.  I feel like I need to get through these and then....what?  Does it just become easier?  Am I able to be like, phew the first (insert whatever) is over?  I doubt it.  I know that's not really how it works.  I don't really know what I am racing ahead for.  Sometimes I feel like there is nothing really worth the time or effort, but these are only brief moments.  What I loathe honestly, is the constant lump in my throat, the on the verge of tears all day.  Every day.  It is truly exhausting.  

It is so odd that when someone tells me something great about Ryan, I literally feel like screaming.  Because I know he was kind, loving, helpful, polite.  Like Noella says, Ry was about peace. And it hurts worse to hear how great he was - is....(not that I'm particularly looking to hear the not-so-great things lol) because we don't get to experience that with him anymore.  The memories right now, just are not enough.  Still, tell me how awesome Ry was but now you know why I turn away or don't respond.

The days are passing quickly though and I find I am focusing a little more on what my journey looks like.  What am I doing not to just get through this insane nightmare, but what am I truly doing that brings me happiness in some way?  Because through all the sadness and emotional trauma I carry, I do have moments where there is laughter.  Joy.  Positivity. I still love connecting to Spirit and that brings me peace - to know I am still able to help others in their grief and their need of guidance.  

I'm also noticing that I am changing my thought process.  No more nonsense.  No more bending over backwards to appease people (lol my love language is to be of service).  I recognize now more than ever that I am not everyone's cup of tea.  And before this all happened, I would try to bend to someone else's thought process.  Not anymore.  Like me or not.  Work with me or not.  I've always been authentic to myself, but now I will be authentic to all.  Because we do not know how much time we have here, with the people we care about.  Love.  We just don't know.  

So be authentic.  Do what you need to do.  Try not to step on toes but do what's right for you.  Agree to disagree and move on.  Sometimes it takes something this traumatic for you to see that there is another version of you that you need to let out so you can do what you need to.  And those who love you and support you will understand if you become a slightly different individual than before.  Your core is still the same.  There is just a new light surrounding you.