I was thinking the other day about what Healing really means.  In the Spiritual Community, we are always talking about healing and how to incorporate it into our lives.  For some, it is so much easier than for others.  And there is so much that we need to take into consideration about individual healings.  What are they healing from?  Is it emotional, mental, or physical?  It is a long-term endeavour for this healing journey or is this a moment only?

 

Ultimately what I thought was, is it even any of our business?  No, not really.  Unless someone has asked for our specific guidance - is it really any of our business?  We can send love and light, healing, and prayers without having to get right down and dirty with the individual.  So what we should really be asking ourselves is...is it any of our business or can I simply send the beautiful white light through the process of thought and energy and leave it at that?  Is...

So I have some serious thoughts that I am fully aware will cause people to be like grrrlll, who hurt you!  And it's not so much about anyone hurting me, it is more about how people use a term and spin it to suit their own needs.  

 

Being "Spiritual" in my view is actually different from being a "Spiritualist".  Now I'm not going to bore anyone with all the ins and outs of this.  In fact, I will end up boring myself.  I believe that I am Spiritual.  Hard Stop.  I believe in many things that the Spiritualist churches do, but not all and I hold myself to the same standard of conduct when being of service (which is my jam) providing metaphysical or spiritual work that the Churches generally do as well.  

 

I believe we all have opinions and those opinions deserve to be heard and discussed if warranted.  They don't have to be agreed to by all because it would be asinine to believe that my opinion should be...

 

December was the month of just trying to get through it with the people that held my heart and my hand.  The four-hour visit with Ryan's Lax coach and his wife.  The dinner with my grrrlllss that let me give with all my heart even if it was a little excessive - they do not judge lol.  Getting together with some of Ryan's closest friends and just being able to sit with them and watch them interact.  Christmas Eve with Lynne and John, Mel and Art, and the kids.  Christmas Day with my family and Elias (who of course is family)  We made it through...

I need this year to end.  I really do.  I am done with the thoughts that repeat over and over and although I know they won't go away and I am still processing, I really feel that if I look upon 2024 as NEW, I can cultivate new energy moving forward regarding not only Ryan and what has happened but in what I want to achieve moving into the new year.

 

One of the most bizarre things that I have noticed in regards to my mindset since Ryan's crossing, is that I don't have the same joy for things that I used to.  Let me explain because it is a very strange feeling and somewhat complicated.  For example, I have channeled a really amazing program through some courses I have taken and seminars.  I absolutely love the potential and growth of what I have planned for 2024 and I am really excited to implement it!  But, once the original excitement comes through and I get to the next thought process of -  here is all that it can do...

This is the time of year when I am usually in full swing with the holiday spirit! 

 

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday of the year.  I love the whole ambiance of the festive lights, the gift giving and receiving, the food, the gatherings!  This is where I usually find myself plotting and planning the presents that I give, the parties that I throw!

 

But this year is so very different. 

 

There is no excitement. 

 

And the only planning I am currently doing is just how I, Mike, Alanna and those closest to Ryan will get through the holidays.  There is a heavy lump in the pit of my stomach as I think about what Christmas Eve and Morning will look like. How do I get up and walk the dogs and not look forward to the stockings being opened when eventually Ryan, Alanna and Noella would get up? 

 

There won't be any stockings this year.  I simply can't.  I will have things for Alanna and...

The days are passing quickly and I can't tell if that is a good thing or not.  I find that I am trying to get through all these so-called "firsts" with Ryan being gone.  Thanksgiving, his birthday, and Christmas.  I feel like I need to get through these and then....what?  Does it just become easier?  Am I able to be like, phew the first (insert whatever) is over?  I doubt it.  I know that's not really how it works.  I don't really know what I am racing ahead for.  Sometimes I feel like there is nothing really worth the time or effort, but these are only brief moments.  What I loathe honestly, is the constant lump in my throat, the on the verge of tears all day.  Every day.  It is truly exhausting.  

It is so odd that when someone tells me something great about Ryan, I literally feel like screaming.  Because I know he was kind, loving, helpful, polite.  Like Noella says, Ry was about peace. And...

I am a Scorpio.  Through and through.  I am hard-headed and stubborn and like control lol. 

I also want people to please not from a sense of wanting people to like me or even admire me, but because I like to see things as progressive.  Moving towards abundance in everything and anything.  Positive movement forward.  Always.

 

And so being a Scorpio I am used to making myself of service.  I thrive on helping others see their best potential.  Even if it is a repetitive act of service.  I continue to do it until results are had OR I recognize that I am not the one to help them see the results.  

 

What I am not used to is needing others, although people come and offer assistance all the time (especially in the last few months), I struggle with accepting anyone's assistance.  I don't like to ask for help and I really don't like to ask for help from those that I don't know well.  I know why that is...

It is without a shadow of a doubt that I have discovered just how powerful words can be.  How a simple word can bring tears.  A sentence can fill you with hope.  It's odd that as a Spiritual Being, as someone who teaches the importance of the words that we use, I cannot find words to explain the emotions that I am going through at this time.

There are no words that I can express to describe the relentless sense of loss that I feel.  As I type this out the tears are welling in my eyes and I'm sure they will flow by the time I'm done here. There is the forever lump that sits in the pit of my stomach and in my throat.  They disappear frequently and come back just as frequently.  I just allow them to do what they need to do.

There are moments that I want to scream and cry and rage and use words to express the true depth of my grief right now but when I try it, it feels less than.  It doesn't give me the release that I hope it will.  Instead,...

This is a blog that will be short and to the point.  Some of you may not be aware but on June 29th our family lost one of the most precious gifts that we have ever received.  Our son Ryan was taken away from us so suddenly and has left an emptiness that I cannot put into words.  Tears yes, words no.  Ryan was so much to so many and the grief that his family, Noella, friends, teammates and co-workers are feeling is real. So very real.

 

I don't have a lot to offer at this time.  I don't feel inspirational, motivational.  Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  I feel depleted, sad and so much anger at those that did this. Forgiveness is not on the table right now and although it may be in the future, I am allowing my humanness to process losing Ryan because I know my Spirit Self is already connected with him.  Ry shows me the best signs.  The signs that are his and his...

I just finished a beautiful trip up to the Interior. 

 

I am so incredibly blessed to do the work that I do.  Really I am.  I am grateful for all the opportunities. 

 

I am finally embracing who I am and what my purpose is. There is a certain freedom that comes to you when you see clearly the light ahead of you.  When you know and understand that the path that you are choosing (because let's be honest you have to choose the path) is not only the right path for you but for all around you as well!

 

And that's an interesting thought as well, no?  How does my path affect those around me?  And I'm referencing my personal path.  How I engage and how I project is my personal responsibility.  The freedom I feel these days is something that is a little unfamiliar.  A little off course for me as an empath and medium.  I am shown so many paths and I want to explore and define each and everyone of them Spiritually (for...